Happy Whatever

I'd like to wish everyone a very happy new year but, unfortunately, that will not be possible. By issuing that statement, I am bound to offend someone and open myself up to a lawsuit. What sounds like a simple "Happy New Year" to me, may be an entirely different message to someone else. Perhaps the person who's reading this doesn't wish to be happy and would feel as if I am forcing happiness upon them. I don't need that kind of pressure.

Offering a holiday greeting wasn't always fraught with worry. Remember when you could call out a hearty "Merry Christmas!" without fear? People would joyfully put up nativity scenes and decorate their houses with bright multi-colored lights. Schools would put up Christmas trees and pass out cookies in the shape of Santa Claus's face. Then people started taking offense and putting their lawyers on speed dial so now those same decorated trees are referred to as "holiday" trees and those Santa cookies have been replaced by non-denominational snowmen. Apparently, no one objects to a snowman. Not yet anyway.

The phrase "Merry Christmas", with its religious undertone gave way to the more all-encompassing, religion-neutral "Happy Holidays". That doesn't quite work though if most of the people you know are clinically depressed or simply pathologically sad, so it may be better to usher the non-joyful, non-emotive feel-however-you-want phrase "Season's Greetings". However, since it's only a matter of time before people object to being greeted in just one season of the year and then sue on behalf of spring summer and fall, I've been trying out new phrases for my December, 2010 holiday cards. So far it looks like I'll be going with the following: "Happy Hanukkah! Contemplative Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day! Playful First Day of Winter! Merry Christmas! Joyous Kwanzaa! Enjoyable Pagan Rituals! And/or I support your right to not celebrate anything at all!" I am a bit concerend that the use of exclamation points might get someone upset, so I'm thinking of including a disclaimer, just to be safe.

But right now, it's today, New Year's Day, that has me puzzled. How do I go about wishing everyone all the best for the new year without putting myself in harm's way? Just using the word "new" could be a a problem. People could assume I'm suggesting something new is better than something old and that could possibly bring a truckload of litigious senior citizens out of the woodwork. And it wouldn't be surprising to see them led by Sarah Palin, shouting I've brought about death panels for old years. And trust me, Sarah Palin is the last thing I want to see in 2010.

It's probably best this New Year's Day to stick with something generic. Something safe. A greeting that no one, absoluetly no one could be offended by. So...

It's January 1st, 2010. I wish you all whatever you want, whatever that may be, whenever you'd like it to happen...or not.