The Gayest Christmas Song Ever

Let's face it - the holidays are a very gay season. Colorful and sparkly decorations hang everywhere. Every weekend there are festive parties where we dress up, drink too much and hope the best looking guy in the place finds us while we wait under the mistletoe. And from the day after Thanksgiving right up until the post-Christmas sales, it's all about shopping, shopping, shopping. Add to that every Christmas Eve we lie in our beds and hope a bearded bear of a man will quietly show up with a big package. Really, December is one big gay month.

And then, there's the holiday music. What other time of year can you think of when everyone happily joins in on a song that includes lyrics where a group of lords leap around together? We sing one song about donning our gay apparel and then we burst forth about good old Frosty, who celebrates coming to life by wearing a top hat, doing a dance and then making a bee-line for the local traffic cop, because who doesn't like a man in uniform? There's "We Three Kings" about three men who enjoy hanging out in the desert together and "Santa Baby" a favorite of drag queens everywhere.

You may think Christmas carols can't get much gayer, but you'd be wrong. Because, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the gayest Christmas song ever written..."Christmas Shoes." If you don't know this song, you are instructed to stop reading and go find it, give it a listen and then come back. Even if you have heard it, I encourage you to sit through it one more time before reading on. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Ready? Good. Let me ask you, what kind of little boy leaves his dying mother on Christmas Eve and runs to the local mall to purchase a snappy pair of pumps? And who is this fading, barefoot mother with the shoe fetish? Carrie Bradshaw? Imelda Marcos? Cinderella? I don't believe the lyrics of this song for one minute. I don't believe this little boy, desperate to give his mother one perfect gift before she expires, goes to the store, (unwashed mind you) and manages to buy those shoes while quietly reminding shoppers everywhere what Christmas is all about.

Humbug. This is no innocent child. There's never a mention of the age of this needy kid with a fondness for high heels, but I'm thinking he's about nineteen with skintight jeans, a coquettish manipulative streak and an addiction to strawberry flavored lip gloss. And I believe that "Momma" in the song is actually the boy's drag name and those coveted shoes are the perfect compliment to the outfit he'll be wearing while performing in the midnight Christmas show at the local gay bar downtown.

He's smart though, this kid. When realizing he doesn't have enough money, he immediately turns to the horny man behind him, bats his heavily mascara'd eyeleashes a few times and mentions how much he wants "Momma" to look beautiful if she meets Jesus tonight. What he doesn't say is this is not the Jesus who's birthday we celebrate every December 25th. This is Jesus as in Madonna's model boytoy who the boy swears he'd have a chance at running off with if he can just manage to get his feet into the perfect pair of shoes.

But the guy you really have to feel badly for is the poor sap who ends up paying. Here he is, handing over his American Express while thinking he's found the true meaning of Christmas by helping Momma look so great. Unfortunately the only way he'll ever truly see "Momma" is by heading downtown, paying ten bucks and agreeing to the 2-drink minimum. What Christmas is all about, indeed.

So there you have it, "Christmas Shoes" a song about a pretty boy who gets another man to buy him a pair of women's shoes so he can perform in the local gay bar drag show on Christmas Eve while dreaming about Madonna's hot boyfriend. It really is everything you'd expect from the gayest Christmas song ever.