Lost in Space Made Me Gay

Why are people always wondering what makes someone gay? No one ever sits around wondering why someone is straight, or why someone is short. No one suggests financing a study to find out why some people like to eat, say, Fritos. Nobody ever looked across a table at the local diner and said to their lunch companion: "I can't believe it! How old were you when you first realized you liked milkshakes?" And I've never heard a suggestion that scientists isolate the gene in our bodies that possibly causes some people to enjoy the company of cats.

Yet, when it comes to being gay, people are always asking why. It's as if we have some type of curious ailment like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or possibly that Benjamin Button disease. Quite frankly, I think people who ask why someone is gay really have it backwards. We should probably ask what makes someone straight. Think about it, as very young boys, say six or seven years old when someone would ask "Do you have a girlfriend?" almost all of us would scrunch up our faces and clearly answer "Yuck!" As we got older, we gay people simply stuck with that answer, which makes us committed and focused. It's straight people who get all confused and change their minds. So let's figure out exactly what causes that to happen. OK?

But, if anyone out there really needs a reason as to why someone's gay, I suggest we look no further than our television sets. I'm going to take a stand here and declare that at any time of the day or night, television is sending out images that cause homosexuality. It's been doing this for decades. If we look at TV over the past forty years, it's rather easy to point out the shows that have sent out gay recruitment vibes.

Personally, I believe the 1960's show "Lost in Space" made me gay. I clearly remember being six or seven years old and watching Lost in Space reruns in the late afternoons. I may not have realized why back then, but I knew that there was something I liked about the very handsome pilot, Major Don West. In the show, Don West was in a relationship with the character of the, in my opinion, completely unworthy Judy Robinson. Dashing Don had the ability to save the family from approaching monsters, pilot the Jupiter II space ship through terrible meteor storms and still have time to hold hands with Judy. Judy Robinson was the luckiest girl alive. Bitch.

But it wasn't just Lost in Space that called out to us little gay boys. The 1960's also brought "The Wild, Wild West" with an often shirtless Robert Conrad who, for some reason, didn't own any pants except ones made out of tight spandex. The 70's brought "Starsky and Hutch" which gave us the chance to choose between the fair-skinned blond one or the hairy darker one. The 80's ushered in Tom Selleck's chest on "Magnum, PI" and the 90's brought us the men of "Baywatch". Ah, Baywatch. Lifeguards running up and down the beach, which really just has something for everyone.

Television didn't forget the lesbians in training either. "Hazel" may have been dressed as a maid, but she clearly wore the pants and knew far more than the male head of the household. "Cagney and Lacey" gave off such a strong lesbian vibe that the characters may as well have had a commitment ceremony. And then there was tough, tomboyish Jo from the "Facts of Life" (a show that ran FOREVER) tinkering with her motorcycle and happily living in an all-girl environment.

Currently, TV is still living up to its pledge to continue finding the gay newbies out there. How many teenage boys do you think suddenly screamed out "I'm gay!" when Eric Dane walked into "Grey's Anatomy" wearing only a towel? And the show "Lost" may have a close to incoherent storyline, but the men of Lost are coming in loud and clear.

So, let the straight people ask their questions and scratch their heads as to what makes someone gay and allow the scientists to claim they have isolated some "gay gene". It all doesn't matter much. As long as gays-to-be are still picking up their remote, hitting the "on" button and discovering shows that speak to them, then all will be well in gay-land. And speaking of gay-land, anyone up for "Gossip Girl"?

Man vs. Machine

You would hope a new year would bring harmony and peace. That petty differences would be set aside, that conflict would be resolved and that all of us: men, women, straight, gay, black, white, old, young, could simply co-exist and, as Rodney King once pleaded "just get along". Unfortunately, 2009 has brought a new foe into my life. She's overly self-assured, too-calm and a know-it-all. She doesn't ever second guess herself or doubt her own abilities. She makes me feel insecure and inferior and I have a lot of resentment building up. In short, my car's GPS system has an attitude and I don't like it.

Don't misunderstand. I don't hate the GPS itself. It's a marvel of modern technology.And frankly, the GPS is heaven sent for people like me who have absolutely no sense of direction. Really, I have none. If I'm ever a passenger in your car and I swear that I am absolutely, undeniably one hundred percent sure you should turn left then you should absolutely, undeniably turn right. I'm never correct when it comes to directions. When I drive, I constantly have to either pull over to think or make a U-turn. I can't read a map, I distrust road signs and usually I'm too busy yelling "Come on, people! FOCUS!" at the other drivers to pay too much attention to where I'm supposed to be going.

It's exactly because I lack understanding of north/south vs. east/west that, when my boyfriend gave me the GPS as a gift, my friends all declared "It's perfect for you!" It certainly seemed perfect. A small device designed to get me where I needed to go, with no fuss and no head scratching. Finally, I can get to the local shopping mall without getting lost and possibly do what should be a 30-minute drive in an actual 30 minutes. It was indeed, perfect. At least it seemed that way right up until the first time she suggested I take a left turn in exactly 1-point-2 miles. From that point on, it's been war.

I like to play a good game of one-upsmanship with the GPS. The rules are simple. You simply program it to give you directions to a place you already know how to get to. Then, when she suggests you take turns off your usual path, you have the opportunity to feel very superior. "Take a left turn?" I might say to her. "Don't you know how much more I'll pay in tolls if I go that way?" or "Taking a right means I hit rush hour traffic and get stuck. Don't you know anything?" Every snarky line said to the GPS is one-point in your favor. Since she can't make rude comments back, there's no way to lose.

I suggest you give it a try the next time you've had a bad day or your boss has been in a particularly foul mood. Just hop in the car, turn on the GPS and start telling it off. You'll feel better in no time, thanks to this lovely hidden benefit of modern machinery.