Man vs. Machine

You would hope a new year would bring harmony and peace. That petty differences would be set aside, that conflict would be resolved and that all of us: men, women, straight, gay, black, white, old, young, could simply co-exist and, as Rodney King once pleaded "just get along". Unfortunately, 2009 has brought a new foe into my life. She's overly self-assured, too-calm and a know-it-all. She doesn't ever second guess herself or doubt her own abilities. She makes me feel insecure and inferior and I have a lot of resentment building up. In short, my car's GPS system has an attitude and I don't like it.

Don't misunderstand. I don't hate the GPS itself. It's a marvel of modern technology.And frankly, the GPS is heaven sent for people like me who have absolutely no sense of direction. Really, I have none. If I'm ever a passenger in your car and I swear that I am absolutely, undeniably one hundred percent sure you should turn left then you should absolutely, undeniably turn right. I'm never correct when it comes to directions. When I drive, I constantly have to either pull over to think or make a U-turn. I can't read a map, I distrust road signs and usually I'm too busy yelling "Come on, people! FOCUS!" at the other drivers to pay too much attention to where I'm supposed to be going.

It's exactly because I lack understanding of north/south vs. east/west that, when my boyfriend gave me the GPS as a gift, my friends all declared "It's perfect for you!" It certainly seemed perfect. A small device designed to get me where I needed to go, with no fuss and no head scratching. Finally, I can get to the local shopping mall without getting lost and possibly do what should be a 30-minute drive in an actual 30 minutes. It was indeed, perfect. At least it seemed that way right up until the first time she suggested I take a left turn in exactly 1-point-2 miles. From that point on, it's been war.

I like to play a good game of one-upsmanship with the GPS. The rules are simple. You simply program it to give you directions to a place you already know how to get to. Then, when she suggests you take turns off your usual path, you have the opportunity to feel very superior. "Take a left turn?" I might say to her. "Don't you know how much more I'll pay in tolls if I go that way?" or "Taking a right means I hit rush hour traffic and get stuck. Don't you know anything?" Every snarky line said to the GPS is one-point in your favor. Since she can't make rude comments back, there's no way to lose.

I suggest you give it a try the next time you've had a bad day or your boss has been in a particularly foul mood. Just hop in the car, turn on the GPS and start telling it off. You'll feel better in no time, thanks to this lovely hidden benefit of modern machinery.