Doctor, Doctor

In the past couple weeks, I've had two medical-related experiences. Both were unsuccessful, in rather odd ways.

Medical related experience #1
Because of my chronic insomnia (something I've had for a good 25 years now) I signed on to do a sleep study. On many nights, it can take a good 2 hours of lying in bed (or, more to the point, tossing, turning, kicking and swearing in bed) before I fall asleep. Once I am asleep, I will wake up repeatedly during the night, often every hour or two. It's not exactly restful. In addition, conditions have to be just right. The room needs to be as dark as possible. There can't be any distractions: no TV, no radio, no outside noises. I can't drink caffeine after 2PM. It's best if I can settle down with a book to unwind about an hour before bedtime. And when all else fails, Ambien has become my ally.

The study was supposed to help figure out the reasons I don't sleep like a normal person. Unfortunately, the way that's done is by connecting electrodes to the body. Lots of electrodes. And by lots, I mean: 3 are attached to my chin, 1 next to my left eye, 1 in the center of my forehead, 1 next to my right eye, 1 behind my left shoulder, 1 behind my right shoulder, 2 to my left leg, 2 to my right leg and 5 more attached to various points on my head. (The ones on the head are upsetting. Let's face it, you don't mess with a gay guy's hair.) In addition, there's a belt placed around my chest, another belt around my abdomen and, just for kicks, a tube placed into my nose. There are wires hanging off every part of my body. I look like a low-tech version of the Star Trek Borg, a poor trailer trash cousin that couldn't afford all the fancy gizmos. I'm welfare Borg.

I'm led to the bed and told to lie down, relax and sleep well. Yeah, right.

Four hours later, I am still awake. The somewhat hunky technician comes in and says at this point there are two options. I can continue to try and fall asleep or I can sign myself out for the night since it just doesn't look like it's going to work. He's right, it's not. Under the list of conditions that need to be just-so in order for Tom to sleep, you will not find anything about being wrapped from head to toe in wiring while oxygen is pumped into my nostrils via a plastic tube. This techie bondage does not allow me to fall asleep. And in a sleep study there is nothing to study, when there is no sleep. I sign myself out and head home.

In short, I took a sleep study. And failed.

Medical related experience #2
On Friday, September 18th, I got a flu shot. Nine days later, I got the flu. This has happened before, so I probably should have known better and turned down the offer of a vaccination. But after hearing what a terrible cold and flu season we're supposed to have this year, I figured better safe than sorry. Unfortunately, sorry is the way it turned out.

I'm not going to spend my time here saying how it would be nice for doctors to acknowledge that flu shots can indeed sometimes cause flu. I will not rail against the medical establishment and/or the pharmaceutical companies that do their best to convince us that putting the chemicals that they profit from into our bodies will keep us healthy. I will not bitch about the 4 prescriptions I was told I now needed to fight the virus that they had injected in the first place. And I refuse to whine that when I got two of those prescriptions filled (yes just 2) it cost $100 out of my pocket, even after the insurance paid their share. Apparently my flu is doing its part to help pay for someone's child's education.

Instead, let's focus on two good things I've discovered. First, when you bake a pan of brownies whilst having flu, you get to eat the whole pan yourself since no one else seems interested in tasting something that's laced with a little influenza. And secondly, since coming down with the flu, I sleep 10 - 12 hours each day, thus temporarily solving my insomnia issue. Chocolate and sleep. All in all, things turned out pretty OK.