Necessities?

I had my television disconnected last September. I don't mean this in a "Television? Oh, I never watch anything on television unless it's on PBS" kind of way. It's more accurate to say I really love television, pretty much the same way a caffeine addict just loves that daily Dunkin Donuts visit. If I have a day with no place to be I could easily lie on the couch, staring at the TV from the time I rolled out of bed until late into the night. I would start with the early morning talk shows, hang around through mid-day news, move on to an afternoon lineup of All My Children-One Life to Live-General Hospital, then catch a little Judge Judy before heading into evening news, game shows, sitcoms, crime dramas and midnight re-runs of Friends or Will & Grace.

But, last year I had satellite television service. No need to mention the company I was using, we'll just say they bring TV in a direct kind of way. The service was beyond awful. Sometimes I'd only get a handful of channels. Other times, I'd get a different handful of channels. And often, there would be no channels whatsoever. When I called to complain, their customer service consisted of an operator assuring me I could repair the problem if I just climbed up onto my roof and adjusted the satellite dish myself. I wasn't to worry about this, she assured me, because as long as I cradled the phone to my ear the whole time while climbing and adjusting, she'd talk me through the entire process. My refusal brought out their repair man, who stood on the sidewalk, shrugged his shoulders and said "What do you want me to do about it?"

The original plan was to have the service disconnected and then to call the local cable company. Instead, once the TV was off, I found myself wondering why it was needed at all. Other than the series "Lost", there wasn't much television I couldn't live without. I was a little sick of the Desperate Housewives. As much as I enjoyed the cooking shows, I wasn't ever moved to get up and make something. And while the room makeover shows were fun, none of my neighbors seemed too keen on the idea of allowing me to come over and cover their dining room walls in organic wheat grass.

The thing that's interesting is people's reactions. I've learned that saying "I don't have television" often brings about the same shocked reaction as saying "I just requested my food supply be shut off." People stare wide-eyed and declare "But you NEED television!" If you go back through time, you realize this isn't anything new. Years ago, you "needed" an antenna on your roof for better reception, then it was cable TV before moving onto satellite. Surround sound then became a must-have, followed by Hi-Def, plasma, etc., etc., etc. Soon people will most likely be declaring that you absolutely "need" to hire Hugh Laurie personally to drop-in and re-enact the last episode of House live, while you lie on the couch eating day-old Chinese takeout and wondering what TV actors might be performing over at your neighbors house.

As an experiment, I tried taking the sentence "I don't have television" and substituting other words to see what people would say. For example, I discovered that when saying "I don't have a kidney" I was treated like a selfless hero who had obviously given a vital organ to a dying relative. I thought it was interesting that everyone assumed I had given my kidney away. Not once did anyone assume that I was in need of a kidney, and not once did anyone offer me one of theirs as a replacement. "I don't have indoor plumbing" simply caused people to back away from me, assuming I either hadn't had the chance to bathe in a long time or was in danger of exploding after having been constipated for weeks on-end because I couldn't bring myself to travel all the way to the outhouse.

In retrospect, trying out the sentence "I don't have Viagra" at 2AM while in a club may have been a mistake. After that particular declaration, I was greeted by dozens of outstretched hands, all holding little blue pills while promising the problem could be solved at just $20 a pop.

It seems we've forgotten the things that really are necessities. We need air, food, water and sleep. While SUV's, plasma TV's, spray-on tans and $500 shoes may all be lovely, they aren't requirements to get from one day to the next. I've yet to read an obituary claiming the cause of someone's death was lack of HBO.

On my way to and from work most days, I pass a homeless man who holds a sign that reads "I don't have food". That's right, food, which I think everyone, other than Hollywood starlets, can agree really IS a necessity. Unfortunately, this seems to bring him nothing more than either blind indifference from passers-by or angry shouts of "Get a job!" from people who assume he is simply too lazy to fend for himself. I'm often tempted to suggest he change the wording to "I don't have a cell phone." I'm sure that within minutes, dozens of people would be sitting on the sidewalk next to him, discussing the futility of trying to survive without purchasing a cellular plan.

Eventually, I will call the cable company. But in the meantime, I've discovered enjoyment in a house without the blaring sound of television advertisements. There's a lot to be said for nights out with friends, or for simply sitting quietly in a chair with a good book and some chocolate chip cookies. Now those are life's necessities.