Are You Ready, Golden Men?

I've recently been reading two books on being a gay man reaching middle-age. One is called "Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife" by Harold Kooden and Charles Flowers. Don't you love the title? Golden Men. I'm assuming it's supposed to conjure up an image of the TV show "The Golden Girls". Perhaps we're supposed to think about what Golden Girl we are, much like the game every gay man has played (come on, you know you've done it) where you have to choose what Sex and the City character you are. (I'm Miranda.) The other book is "Are You Ready? The Gay Man's Guide to Thriving at Midlife" by Rik Isensee.Am I ready? Hell, no. Do I have a choice? Hell no, again.

Both books explore different issues on reaching mid-life: relationships, physical health, mortality, self-esteem, personal values, career. The authors encourage you to explore where you are now that mid-life has arrived and ask how the reality of your middle years is different from what a younger you had pictured. There are pages of questions: What are some of the challenges you have faced at midlife? How has your sexual functioning changed over time? In what ways do you feel more or less succesful than other gay men your age? And my personal favorite: What have you noticed in terms of your own closure with a youthful identity? Don't you love that wording? Much like the mom-and-pop corner ice cream shops of long ago, my youthful identity is "closed."

But both books suggest that, no matter where you are in life, you should celebrate. Everything you have done to reach the point where you now find yourself, is an accomplishment.

The irony here is that, while reading this, the balance in my checking account is a whopping $12.74. I've been looking at the jar of change that sits on my kitchen windowsill and wondering if there's enough in there to help me get through the next four days until payday arrives. And since there is no money right now to make a trip to the supermarket unless I withdraw from my savings account or use a credit card, I've been wondering if the dog would mind if I dove into her kibble. How bad can kibble taste? It has to be better than tofu.

There are also chapters on body image and the physical changes that happen at midlife: the metabolism slows down and the middle age spread begins to, well, spread. The books suggest you acknowledge these changes, noting the things you like about your body and the things you don't and to make an honest effort to address what you can/cannot do about them. Dr. Kooden reminds his readers that body image is not just how you think about your body, but also the kind of relationship you and your body have.

My body and I are very similar to Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" We're like two people who have been married far too long and should probably get divorced. We don't talk, we battle and bark snide comments at each other. While settling down for the night, my body is likely to snap "You're eating ice cream before bed, AGAIN?" And when spying my body getting dressed, I'm likely to shout out "You do know you're not fooling anyone in those shorts, don't you?" I'm pretty sure this is not what Dr. Kooden had in mind.

Still, there is much to like about both books and I admit that I'm enjoying reading them and, as was suggested, have even managed one or two little celebrations on getting to this point in life. I've never actually had to partake of that kibble, for instance. And over the past few months, since I've been eating better and getting more exercise, my body and I have called a bit of a truce. (I wouldn't call it a second honeymoon, but still...)

As the authors suggest, there really is a lot to be said about getting to life's mid-point, looking around and taking a few moments to congratulate yourself. All in all, the view from here isn't half bad.